Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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