she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
