When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
