in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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