We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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