do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
