He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Dear god my vagina.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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