I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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