I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
