In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
