Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
