she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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