There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Found the puke drawer
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
