Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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