You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
