I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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