after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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