No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
