Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
