when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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