The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
