He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
