I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
