GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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