where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
