I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
