some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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