i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just had sex on a roof
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
