This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
