she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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