Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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