Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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