I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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