Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
