i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
you will always have a special place in my vag
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
