Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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