i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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