If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Randomize
