If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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