I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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