Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
