ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
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