ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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