I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
NoShamevember. You game?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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