Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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