FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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