Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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