He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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