I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
