1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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