cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
