Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
