every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
pray to the hookup gods
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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