dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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